I was born, what some people might call, a “ sensitive”. I cannot remember a time when I did not want to do all I could to ease the suffering of those around me. I do not recall a time that my heart did not ache for any person or animal that was hurt or in need. I continually brought home strays and spent my time helping them to grow better, to give them the love I knew everyone Being deserved. As I grew older, I did the same for people - often times giving a home to the homeless until they could move on - or being the safe house for teens when my daughters were young - or inviting the s to spend their last days on this earth in my home - or adopting those pets that were sure to meet an undesirable end. I continually reached out to give and to Be the very thing I ached for most in my life... Love.
In retrospect I was bright, beautiful, loving, creative, intelligent and amazing and I lived with a cloud over me that poured down the belief “I am not enough”. I spent hours climbing trees with my faithful pets waiting below as I sat and relished the calm quiet and connectedness I felt when I was there all but invisible and able to view the world. I dreamed of having and Being a source of connectedness to all those who were sad, hungry, tired, hurt and in need. I built sacred sanctuaries in my mind - “healing sanctuaries”. My heart could hold them all. I knew it. This began my journey. I was 7 when I made a conscious decision to serve humankind in the best ways I could. The path from there was filled with enormous down-falls, illnesses, addictions, violence, abuse and instances where death or continuing to live was the choice and when death would certainly have been the easier road. This journey has also been filled with opportunity, wisdom, faith, hope, light, beauty, divinity and laughter. The sojourn I call my life was a continual desire to know that “I was finally enough”. Each and every step has been an education in learning to LOVE myself in the same way I was capable of LOVE’ing others...
My family of origin was fertile ground for learning... I was a surprise in my parents life. Born when my mother was 44, my siblings were much older than me. My sister over 20 years older and the brothers in-between 10, 15 and 18 years older. My parents were tired and although I know I was loved very much, life was not easy. My father had developed quite an addiction to alcohol. He was angry, aggressive, sick and depressed. I was frightened of him and worked to find places of solitude where I didn’t have to dodge physical assault. Places where I didn’t have to wonder if the man who made me stop making noise of any kind after 5 in the evening would make it through dinner without choking on his food or crying through the entire meal. My siblings had a relationship with their father that was filled with memories of the good ole days - when there was money and laughter and good times. It was difficult for them to understand my fear, my pain, or my sorrow... I came along with a heart and a disposition and a desire for LOVE and freedom that was not fathomable in their lives.
I never look at my past as something that held me back. In fact, every hard hit was an opportunity to come out the other side knowing myself and the way I operate more fully and finding a deeper love and forgiveness for myself and all those things I wasn’t able to accomplish at the time I was attempting to stay alive...
(to be continued...)
photos borrowed from friends under the FAIR USE ACT
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